- Your birthday must fall on the 25th of November. Falling as it does exactly one month before Christmas, we know it to be the most evil day of the year. Some simple minds assume October 31st to be The Devil's birthday; in actuality, it is November 25th.
- You must be at least 20 years old; we don't want any teenagers ruining our evil plans, what with their moodswings and tendency to rebel against authority.
- You must be PURE EVIL.
NAME: Mark Lanegan
BORN: 25th November, 1964
Mark Lanegan is a musician, best known as vocalist of the Screaming Trees. He joined Los Veinticincos in 1984, and it wasn't long before he was elected leader on the grounds of "looking the most evil". I mean look at that picture! He looks like the bastard son of Nicky Wire and The Joker. Those who have heard him speak say that his voice is "so gravelly you could park a car on it". Legend has it that he named his band after a rather grisly incident where he actually planted a tree inside one of his enemies and it emerged a couple of years later from the unfortunate young man's shrieking mouth.
NAME: Xabi Alonso
PROFESSION: Cheating Footballer
BORN: 25th November, 1981
Xabi Alonso has been in the news recently because of allegations that he deliberately picked up a second yellow card to ensure a clean slate in the knockout stages of the Champions League. Not the most stealthy member of the gang, what with all this media attention he's been getting, but this whole story has shown us that his evil time-wasting skills are second to none. His other crimes including playing for Liverpool but then leaving, and being Spanish. 'Spain' is just one letter away from 'pain', don't you know.
NAME: Christina Applegate
PROFESSION: Smelly Pirate Hooker
BORN: 25th November, 1971
Christina Applegate is Los V's beautiful but deadly femme fatale. She spent her childhood amongst thieves and murderers on the infamous pirate ship Veronica, and this is the name by which many of her victims know her before she kills them (all sensible killers operate under a pseudonym, of course). She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and she is now out for revenge on the executives who cancelled her TV show while she was recovering. They may soon find themselves on the wrong end of her weapon of choice, which is, ironically, a TV antenna.
NAME: Bruno Tonioli
PROFESSION: Flamboyant Dance Judge
BORN: 25th November, 1955
As a homosexual, Italian lunatic Bruno Tonioli was a prime target for bullying in his childhood. In an article on the Daily Express website, he talks about how he was once "chased...out of a club with a broken bottle and pinned...up against a wall." The interview would have you believe that he got out of it with "a bit of wit and imagination". The reality is he snatched the bottle right out of that guy's hand and cut him to ribbons. That was his first taste of blood, and he liked it. To his credit, unhinged as he is, the evillest thing he tends to do nowadays is annoy Len Goodman on Strictly Come Dancing. But who knows when he might snap?
NAME: Barbara & Jenna Bush
PROFESSION: Twin Daughters of Ex-President
BORN: 25th November, 1981
They're the offspring of George W. Bush. Need we say more? The Bush sisters are also the only documented case of both twins being evil. Joined Los V's on the same day as Xabi Alonso, leading to some rather nauseating erotic fanfiction about the three of them.
NAME: Mary Anne Schimmelpenninck
BORN: 25th November, 1778
I know what you're thinking, who? Well, at the ripe old age of 232, Schimmelpenninck is Los V's oldest member, and one of its craftiest. She is the daughter of an arms dealer and, as her Wikipedia page will tell you, her family considered her a "mischief-maker" who "broke off eleven marriages". But while it's true that she showed slightly unsavoury tendencies in life, she never really went fully evil until after her death in 1856. It's a lot easier to do evil shit when you're a ghost, and you'd be amazed at some of the things she's gotten up to since she kicked the bucket. Whenever a TV programme suffers from 'technical difficulties', it's because she's messing around with their equipment. In 1931, which you'll remember as the year Christmas never came, it was because she stole it. Some people suspect that she is responsible for the whole Bermuda Triangle thing; others say that hiccups are caused by Mary Anne playing tricks on your diaphragm. And she's still responsible for a healthy chunk of worldwide divorces every year. We may never know the full extent of her powers, and that makes her perhaps the scariest 25er of all.
NAME: Kerry "Skull" O'Keeffe
PROFESSION: Australian Cricket Commentator
BORN: 25th November, 1949
Well first of all look at his nickname. If that don't strike fear into your heart, then you're a steelier soul than I. Time was when he could hide his passion for breaking legs behind cricket, a sport nobody really understood anyway. "And O'Keeffe has broken the other guy's leg...erm...does he get a point for that, Bruce?" "Why yes Bruce I believe he does." But now he resides in the commentary box, and he has to find other outlets for his creativity. Enter Los Veinticincos, who were reportedly in need of a good leg man at the time to deal with their numerous debtors. Of course, he is no gentle soul when he's commentating, either; apparently other commentators are afraid to work alongside him. They're probably worried that he'll hit them for six! Ha!
It's funny because it has something to do with cricket. Incidentally, Kerry O'Keeffe's wife is named Veronica, so Pete might be called upon to do some legwork pretty soon if you catch my drift.
More cricket jibes tomorrow.
Joel.
*Nobody on the outside is completely certain of what goes on during initiation, but most academics agree that it involves geese.
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