Agent Orange

[Scene: a supermarket aisle. We are slap bang in the middle of Cathays Los Angeles. RYAN is a shop assistant, and he is cleaning the aisle witha mop and bucket when suddenly-]

SOUND FX: Loud bang!    

[There is an explosion in the Co-Op Wal-Mart. JASON, another (younger) employee, runs over to Aisle 7 to see what the hell just happened. He finds his co-worker severely charred and dying.]

JASON: Ryan?! 
RYAN [smiling]: Jason...it's...over...
JASON: RYAAAAAAAAN!!

[RYAN dies. JASON peers through his tears and sees Jaffa Cakes scattered everywhere. He picks up his fallen comrade's mop and gazes solemnly at some point in the middle distance.]

* * *

[Scene: a house in Cathays Los Angeles. There are raised voices.]

JOEL: GodDAMMIT I don't believe you guys. The chocolate side is NOT the top of a Jaffa Cake!
SARAH: Quiet, Joel! Gemma's sleeping!
GEMMA: Uuuuh?
JOEL: I don't care! It's damned nonsense!
PETE: Joel. When you eat a chocolate digestive, which way up does it go?
JOEL: Biscuit up, so that the chocolate is nearer my tongue!
PETE: WHAT?! You're insane!
JR: You crazy, man.
JOEL: But OBVIOUSLY the biscuit part goes on top! How else would you read the WRITING?!
PETE: You're insane.

[At this juncture, there is an explosion. One wall of the house is blown to rubble, and as everyone coughs and tries to fan away the dust, a lone figure steps through the debris.]

JASON: Which one of you killed my friend?
JOEL: None of us. We're having a rather heated debate here, so if you don't mind-

[JASON decapitates JR with the mop, just to show how serious and badass he is.]


JOEL: Woah.
JASON: I'm gonna ask you again. Which of you killed Ryan Jackson?
JOEL: Look, none of us killed anyone. We're just a bunch of students, and I'm just an underdog fighting for what he believes in-
JASON: Well I'm just an all-American working man fighting for justice.
JOEL: Well then we're both facing challenges. But is there any reason why we should work together as a team of dogged good guys rising up to face those challenges?

[There is an explosion. Another wall of the house is levelled, and in its place stands a humongous, bright orange robot, with a railgun aimed squarely at those gathered.]


ROBOT: We are The Faction for Chocolate on Top. Prepare to die.
JASON: Whuh-


[There is an explosion, and the robot falls to the ground. Behind it stands Joel, brandishing an American flag.]


JOEL: I  told you guys that the cake goes on top! You're powering an evil dictatorship! 
EVERYONE ELSE: ...
JOEL: Well I for one am not going to take it! We've got to stand up for the little guy, and-


[JASON decapitates JOEL for being a dick. There is an explosion.]


COMING WINTER 2010


(Tomorrow: Cutlery in the style of War of the Worlds author H.G. Wells!)


Joel.