Well, we went to Tewkesbury Place and...he wasn't there. Rest assured we are making serious enquiries into this, but in the meantime, we found a few bits of paper on Joel's desk and we decided to post them here to tide his many fans over until he returns. It seems to be some sort of screenplay in the making, so enjoy. And don't worry; we're sure he's fine...
* * *
NAIVE GRAVITY
We begin our story in a service station café. A hooded figure approaches the counter, where a young female barista has just entered hour eight of her shift. She is clearly in no mood to be trifled with.
Barista: (forcing a smile) What can I get you?
Customer: I don't want any coffee. I just need you.
Barista: I beg your pardon, madam?
Customer: You are Eleanor Gill?
Barista: (smile disappears) ...Nobody's called me that for a very long time.
Cut to an establishing shot of a student house. In the kitchen, we find Joel Dear preparing some sort of delicious meal for two.
Joel: Crap. Our chicken burgers aren't cooked at all, but these potato lattices are already starting to burn.
Stranger: Maybe you should...take the lattices out of the oven.
Joel: But then they'll get cold! Dammit, I am NOT cut out to be a chef.
Stranger: Then perhaps I could offer you a different job. Something...blockier.
Joel: What-
Joel whirls around to find a hooded figure in the kitchen with him.
Joel: What are you doing in my kitchen? State your business!
Stranger: Easy, easy. I'm here to ask you a favour.
Joel: Why should I help you? I don't even know you!
Stranger: You know me, Joel. We've had our...talks in the past.
Joel: I don't remember ever meeting a hooded stranger.
Stranger: Then perhaps you'll remember...(removes hood)...your Head of Sixth Form.
Joel: Miss Mills.
Mills: Mr. Dear.
Joel: You always thought I was useless. What's changed since we last crossed paths?
Mills: The goalposts have moved. Come back to St. Teilo's with me, I'll explain on the way.
Joel: (smirking) Perhaps I don't want to go with you.
Mills: Joel, please. Our altercations are in the past. Besides, we've already got Ellie on board.
Joel: Who's Ellie? I don't know an Ellie.
Barista: (appearing in doorway) Grow up, Joel. This is important.
Joel: ...Herbie?!
Herbie nods.
Cut to interior of Herbie's car. Joel is riding shotgun; Mills occupies the bitch seat, explaining the situation into the front.
Mills: So I guess the first thing I need to do is apologise.
Joel: Really.
Mills: Well, yes. You know how you always spent every spare minute of your time playing Free Tetris instead of revising?
Joel: I don't know why you had that computer in the common room in the first place if you didn't want us to-
Mills: Well it turns out that it wasn't a waste of time. In fact, that was time better spent than any of your lessons.
Herbie: You would say that, you history teacher. We both took arty subjects.
Mills: It doesn't matter what you took. Tetris was more important, even than history.
Joel: What about-
Mills: Even more important than Key Skills.
Joel: ...
Herbie: ...
Mills: It's that important.
Joel: I'm all ears.
Mills: Well, St. Teilo's has been low on funding since the new headmistress came - personally I don't rate her at all - and we're facing closure. We've begged and pleaded with the governers, shown them what good work we're doing, examples of the best students' best work...we've displayed art coursework, held school concerts, one of the sixth formers even gave a maths lecture to a university class-
Joel: And they weren't impressed?
Mills: No. And even the ticket money from the concert is only enough to save...(shudders)...D Block.
Joel: (shudders)
Mills: The head governer's a bit of a gamer, and he's said that he'll only be swayed if we can show him that we produce excellent Tetris players.
Joel: So we just have to beat this old guy's high scores, and the school stays open, is that it?
Mills: It's not just the old guy. He's an old Llanedeyrn alum, you see, and he was so thrilled at the opportunity to close his old rivals that, well, he wanted to make sure he didn't get it wrong.
Herbie: So he's hired a Tetris representative.
Mills: Well actually Ellie...that's not quite correct. I wanted to wait until Joel was here to tell you this, but-
Joel: But what?
Mills: He's got a whole team of them.
Joel/Herbie: (in chorus) What?!
Mills: A crack team of Tetris players. Johnny the Line, Shriekin' Marie Square, both Squiggle Twins, Ess and Zed, Big Bad Bertie Block...he's got all the big names from around the world. Plus this new kid that no-one's ever heard of. But talk in the corridor is that he once cleared five rows with one block.
Herbie: Impossible!
Mills: That's what we thought. But we can't afford to take any chances against these guys, and that's why we came to get you two.
Herbie: Okay. So we're assembling a team to take on his. Who else are we picking up?
Mills: Who else? It's just you and him, my dear girl.
Herbie: Just Joel and me?
Mills: Yep.
Joel: Against...what, six of them?
Mills: You're the school's only hope. I've seen you two play. If you had silly Tetris-related monikers, he'd probably ask you to be on his team as well. You're amazing, and this is your chance to prove it.
Joel: The odds are against us.
Mills: You spent the best part of two years practicing for this, Joel. Don't bottle now.
Joel: ...Herbie? Are you in?
Herbie: I hate to help her out even more than you do, Joel. But it's not for her.
Joel: Well then who is it for?
Herbie: The school. Everyone there. And more than that- it's for the glory.
* * *
And that's where it stops. Maybe we'll see the rest when Joel returns from his hiatus, which we're sure was completely voluntary and will be over before you know it. Personally, I can't wait.
Blogspot Bill.
Barista: (forcing a smile) What can I get you?
Customer: I don't want any coffee. I just need you.
Barista: I beg your pardon, madam?
Customer: You are Eleanor Gill?
Barista: (smile disappears) ...Nobody's called me that for a very long time.
Cut to an establishing shot of a student house. In the kitchen, we find Joel Dear preparing some sort of delicious meal for two.
Joel: Crap. Our chicken burgers aren't cooked at all, but these potato lattices are already starting to burn.
Stranger: Maybe you should...take the lattices out of the oven.
Joel: But then they'll get cold! Dammit, I am NOT cut out to be a chef.
Stranger: Then perhaps I could offer you a different job. Something...blockier.
Joel: What-
Joel whirls around to find a hooded figure in the kitchen with him.
Joel: What are you doing in my kitchen? State your business!
Stranger: Easy, easy. I'm here to ask you a favour.
Joel: Why should I help you? I don't even know you!
Stranger: You know me, Joel. We've had our...talks in the past.
Joel: I don't remember ever meeting a hooded stranger.
Stranger: Then perhaps you'll remember...(removes hood)...your Head of Sixth Form.
Joel: Miss Mills.
Mills: Mr. Dear.
Joel: You always thought I was useless. What's changed since we last crossed paths?
Mills: The goalposts have moved. Come back to St. Teilo's with me, I'll explain on the way.
Joel: (smirking) Perhaps I don't want to go with you.
Mills: Joel, please. Our altercations are in the past. Besides, we've already got Ellie on board.
Joel: Who's Ellie? I don't know an Ellie.
Barista: (appearing in doorway) Grow up, Joel. This is important.
Joel: ...Herbie?!
Herbie nods.
Cut to interior of Herbie's car. Joel is riding shotgun; Mills occupies the bitch seat, explaining the situation into the front.
Mills: So I guess the first thing I need to do is apologise.
Joel: Really.
Mills: Well, yes. You know how you always spent every spare minute of your time playing Free Tetris instead of revising?
Joel: I don't know why you had that computer in the common room in the first place if you didn't want us to-
Mills: Well it turns out that it wasn't a waste of time. In fact, that was time better spent than any of your lessons.
Herbie: You would say that, you history teacher. We both took arty subjects.
Mills: It doesn't matter what you took. Tetris was more important, even than history.
Joel: What about-
Mills: Even more important than Key Skills.
Joel: ...
Herbie: ...
Mills: It's that important.
Joel: I'm all ears.
Mills: Well, St. Teilo's has been low on funding since the new headmistress came - personally I don't rate her at all - and we're facing closure. We've begged and pleaded with the governers, shown them what good work we're doing, examples of the best students' best work...we've displayed art coursework, held school concerts, one of the sixth formers even gave a maths lecture to a university class-
Joel: And they weren't impressed?
Mills: No. And even the ticket money from the concert is only enough to save...(shudders)...D Block.
Joel: (shudders)
Mills: The head governer's a bit of a gamer, and he's said that he'll only be swayed if we can show him that we produce excellent Tetris players.
Joel: So we just have to beat this old guy's high scores, and the school stays open, is that it?
Mills: It's not just the old guy. He's an old Llanedeyrn alum, you see, and he was so thrilled at the opportunity to close his old rivals that, well, he wanted to make sure he didn't get it wrong.
Herbie: So he's hired a Tetris representative.
Mills: Well actually Ellie...that's not quite correct. I wanted to wait until Joel was here to tell you this, but-
Joel: But what?
Mills: He's got a whole team of them.
Joel/Herbie: (in chorus) What?!
Mills: A crack team of Tetris players. Johnny the Line, Shriekin' Marie Square, both Squiggle Twins, Ess and Zed, Big Bad Bertie Block...he's got all the big names from around the world. Plus this new kid that no-one's ever heard of. But talk in the corridor is that he once cleared five rows with one block.
Herbie: Impossible!
Mills: That's what we thought. But we can't afford to take any chances against these guys, and that's why we came to get you two.
Herbie: Okay. So we're assembling a team to take on his. Who else are we picking up?
Mills: Who else? It's just you and him, my dear girl.
Herbie: Just Joel and me?
Mills: Yep.
Joel: Against...what, six of them?
Mills: You're the school's only hope. I've seen you two play. If you had silly Tetris-related monikers, he'd probably ask you to be on his team as well. You're amazing, and this is your chance to prove it.
Joel: The odds are against us.
Mills: You spent the best part of two years practicing for this, Joel. Don't bottle now.
Joel: ...Herbie? Are you in?
Herbie: I hate to help her out even more than you do, Joel. But it's not for her.
Joel: Well then who is it for?
Herbie: The school. Everyone there. And more than that- it's for the glory.
* * *
And that's where it stops. Maybe we'll see the rest when Joel returns from his hiatus, which we're sure was completely voluntary and will be over before you know it. Personally, I can't wait.
Blogspot Bill.
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