To hell with this month. I'll get back on track in February. At the moment I'm sat in the Atrium library, I've just handed in my composition assignment, in about half an hour I'll have to start finishing off my theory assignment, and hopefully that'll be done before 2 because I have a theory exam then. And also I haven't showered all week.
But on the plus side Sarah, Cliffey, Tom and myself are going to The Harvester tonight to celebrate Sarah's birthday (admittedly somewhat prematurely). And then we're going to Tesco's to do another humongous food shop because, once again, our student loans have come through.
But don't think that I've been saving that stack of money money for this big end-of-week bonanza tonight, oh no. Sarah and I went to Nando's on Monday night, and followed it up with a popcorn sundae and Oreo milkshakes at TGI Friday's for pudding. And then last night...we did more or less exactly the same thing. I could pretend that I'm going a bit nuts this week as a treat and from next week on I'll go into "prudent" mode, but it's hard to keep a lie alive through a mouthful of chicken and ice cream.
Also, we've discovered - and this is a REVELATION - that you can make milkshakes IN THE HOME. Oh my. It started when I tried out my French coconut syrup (my parents went to Paris for their wedding anniversary and brought me back a bottle), and we all thought that was so delicious that we ought to try some other flavours.
So Sarah, Cliffey and myself hit the kitchen on Wednesday (it was raining, we were bored, it was something to do), armed with ice cream, milk, and a bunch of different treats to blend. Here are my brief reviews of all the results:
Sarah's Oreo Milkshake: Under-milky
Cliffey's Magic Star & Mint Milkshake: Over-minty
Joel's Jaffa Cake Milkshake: Wrong-way-up
Cliffey's Curry Powder Milkshake: Suspiciously bearable
Sarah's Oreo Milkshake (2nd Attempt): Almost TGI quality
Cliffey's Other Milkshake: Can't remember what was in it
Joel's Sugar Puff Milkshake: Well I liked it.
That's all for now - theory calls - but if this has whet your appetite for milkshake-related blog entries, here's one from the archives that you might enjoy.
Joel.
Friday 14 January 2011
Tuesday 11 January 2011
The Goats From Gemma Meadows (Part 7)
Part 6 is here.
ONE MONTH EARLIER
Nighttime in Gemma Meadows, and everyone is asleep. Sarah, Cliffey, Pete, Goldberg, the birds, the grass, the trees, all snoozing.
Sarah is dreaming of Joel Fields. She dreams of the clean air, the dandy dandelions, and enough lush green grass to give you a tummyache.
Cliffey is dreaming of Joel Fields. He dreams of the peace and quiet (it's much further from the road than the Meadows) and the wide open spaces to run around in.
Pete is dreaming of Joel Fields too, but he hasn't realised it yet. As far as he's aware, he's just having a nightmare about meeting a horrible monster in some dead, dry desert.
"Peter?" growls the monster.
"Y-yes?" he replies.
"Peter The Goat?"
"Yes?"
Pete isn't sure he should be giving his name to this thing, even if it is just a dream. Each individual tooth in its mouth is big enough to carve a turkey. And the eyes! They're huge, evil-looking, and blacker than the night Pete is sleeping through.
But suddenly that awful mouth is smiling happily, and those eyes have a certain look of generosity about them.
"What do you wish for?" asks the monster, still growling, but in a much friendlier way, Pete thinks.
"What?"
Another toothy grin. "I can grant you anything. Speak."
Pete acts like he is mulling it over, but he knows what he wants. It's what he's always wanted. Being a goat is fantastic - very few responsibilities, lots of food and free time - but you just eat and frolic and sleep and repeat and that's pretty much all there is to it. Very little scope for anything particularly interesting.
But humans...the things Pete would be able to do as a human. He could start a business empire and become rich and famous. He could record a hit single and top the charts and become rich and famous. He could play football for Manchester United and score a hat-trick and become rich and famous. He could write books, paint portraits, climb mountains, fall in love, and when he died people would get together in a big room and cry and say nice things about him and afterwards important people would put a picture of him in a book and everyone would see it and say "Gosh, didn't he achieve a lot?"
So what Pete really wants, more than green grass, more than dandelions, more than anything, is to be human. And this is what he tells the monster in his dreams.
The monster grins wider and sharper than ever. "Well what a coincidence!" he chuckles in a gravelly sort of way. "I happen to have a machine for that sort of thing right here."
And he does. Pete hadn't noticed until now, but at some point the backdrop for this conversation has gone from that depressing wasteland to an equally depressing (but at least not as dusty) cave. It's damp, it's horrible, and there are probably bats around here somewhere, but to the monster's credit, there is a big shiny piece of machinery in the corner.
Pete smirks a little. "A Human-ator?"
"Right you are. All I need is for you to bring your two friends to Joel Fields, and I'll let you have a go in the machine."
Pete's smile vanishes, for two reasons. "Joel Fields? Is this Joel Fields?...And what do you want with Sarah and Cliffey? Are you going to eat them?"
And somehow the monster's smile just keeps growing. "Yes, this is Joel Fields. I know it's not what you were expecting, but believe me, if you come you won't be disappointed."
Pete nods. "And my friends?"
"Yes, I'm going to eat them. But I swear on my life that no harm will befall you. And I shall of course keep up my side of the bargain."
The monster motions towards the machine. Pete looks away for a moment, and when he turns back he is wearing a frown.
"I don't understand. Who are you? Why is Joel Fields so...well it's not even a field, is it? What's going on?"
[At this point the monster tells Pete everything we already know about Joel Fields and the horrible massacre he brought upon it, but as we've already heard this story at least once we'll skip on a bit.]
Pete isn't wholly convinced. "This is just a dream," he points out. "Why should I act on any of this?"
The monster is about to say something when Pete realises that there is a bat biting into his back, sucking his blood.
"Ugh! Agh! Get it off!"
The monster chuckles heartily, plucks the devilish little creature from Pete's back, and smushes between his humongous yellow palms.
"I live in this cave," explains the monster, wiping the bat goo off his hands. "After my little feast in the Fields, I was chained up here by a gang of trolls." His smile fades for a second. "I don't know why they took it upon themselves to stop me, you'd think they'd have other concerns...anyhow, I'm chained up in a cave under what used to be Joel Fields, and, well, all this time alone has given me a little while to think. A long while, actually. I've spent the years honing my brainpower, and I've just worked out how to project myself into other people's dreams." The monster laughs. "You're the first person I've managed it on, as a matter of fact. You're a very lucky goat."
Pete just stares, googly-eyed.
"So...do we have a deal? You bring those other two goats to me, and I'll turn you into a human. It's been a long time since my last meal, and I'm getting mighty hungry."
No. Surely not.
"Well?"
Pete looks the monster dead in the eye. "You really, truly have a machine that can do this?"
"You have my word."
"Okay."
* * *
And with that, Pete wakes up. Looking around the darkened Meadows, he assures himself that it was all a dream.
He stretches, yawns, prepares to go back to sleep.
He feels a sharp pain in his back.
He looks.
There's a bitemark.
TO BE CONTINUED
ONE MONTH EARLIER
Nighttime in Gemma Meadows, and everyone is asleep. Sarah, Cliffey, Pete, Goldberg, the birds, the grass, the trees, all snoozing.
Sarah is dreaming of Joel Fields. She dreams of the clean air, the dandy dandelions, and enough lush green grass to give you a tummyache.
Cliffey is dreaming of Joel Fields. He dreams of the peace and quiet (it's much further from the road than the Meadows) and the wide open spaces to run around in.
Pete is dreaming of Joel Fields too, but he hasn't realised it yet. As far as he's aware, he's just having a nightmare about meeting a horrible monster in some dead, dry desert.
"Peter?" growls the monster.
"Y-yes?" he replies.
"Peter The Goat?"
"Yes?"
Pete isn't sure he should be giving his name to this thing, even if it is just a dream. Each individual tooth in its mouth is big enough to carve a turkey. And the eyes! They're huge, evil-looking, and blacker than the night Pete is sleeping through.
But suddenly that awful mouth is smiling happily, and those eyes have a certain look of generosity about them.
"What do you wish for?" asks the monster, still growling, but in a much friendlier way, Pete thinks.
"What?"
Another toothy grin. "I can grant you anything. Speak."
Pete acts like he is mulling it over, but he knows what he wants. It's what he's always wanted. Being a goat is fantastic - very few responsibilities, lots of food and free time - but you just eat and frolic and sleep and repeat and that's pretty much all there is to it. Very little scope for anything particularly interesting.
But humans...the things Pete would be able to do as a human. He could start a business empire and become rich and famous. He could record a hit single and top the charts and become rich and famous. He could play football for Manchester United and score a hat-trick and become rich and famous. He could write books, paint portraits, climb mountains, fall in love, and when he died people would get together in a big room and cry and say nice things about him and afterwards important people would put a picture of him in a book and everyone would see it and say "Gosh, didn't he achieve a lot?"
So what Pete really wants, more than green grass, more than dandelions, more than anything, is to be human. And this is what he tells the monster in his dreams.
The monster grins wider and sharper than ever. "Well what a coincidence!" he chuckles in a gravelly sort of way. "I happen to have a machine for that sort of thing right here."
And he does. Pete hadn't noticed until now, but at some point the backdrop for this conversation has gone from that depressing wasteland to an equally depressing (but at least not as dusty) cave. It's damp, it's horrible, and there are probably bats around here somewhere, but to the monster's credit, there is a big shiny piece of machinery in the corner.
Pete smirks a little. "A Human-ator?"
"Right you are. All I need is for you to bring your two friends to Joel Fields, and I'll let you have a go in the machine."
Pete's smile vanishes, for two reasons. "Joel Fields? Is this Joel Fields?...And what do you want with Sarah and Cliffey? Are you going to eat them?"
And somehow the monster's smile just keeps growing. "Yes, this is Joel Fields. I know it's not what you were expecting, but believe me, if you come you won't be disappointed."
Pete nods. "And my friends?"
"Yes, I'm going to eat them. But I swear on my life that no harm will befall you. And I shall of course keep up my side of the bargain."
The monster motions towards the machine. Pete looks away for a moment, and when he turns back he is wearing a frown.
"I don't understand. Who are you? Why is Joel Fields so...well it's not even a field, is it? What's going on?"
[At this point the monster tells Pete everything we already know about Joel Fields and the horrible massacre he brought upon it, but as we've already heard this story at least once we'll skip on a bit.]
Pete isn't wholly convinced. "This is just a dream," he points out. "Why should I act on any of this?"
The monster is about to say something when Pete realises that there is a bat biting into his back, sucking his blood.
"Ugh! Agh! Get it off!"
The monster chuckles heartily, plucks the devilish little creature from Pete's back, and smushes between his humongous yellow palms.
"I live in this cave," explains the monster, wiping the bat goo off his hands. "After my little feast in the Fields, I was chained up here by a gang of trolls." His smile fades for a second. "I don't know why they took it upon themselves to stop me, you'd think they'd have other concerns...anyhow, I'm chained up in a cave under what used to be Joel Fields, and, well, all this time alone has given me a little while to think. A long while, actually. I've spent the years honing my brainpower, and I've just worked out how to project myself into other people's dreams." The monster laughs. "You're the first person I've managed it on, as a matter of fact. You're a very lucky goat."
Pete just stares, googly-eyed.
"So...do we have a deal? You bring those other two goats to me, and I'll turn you into a human. It's been a long time since my last meal, and I'm getting mighty hungry."
No. Surely not.
"Well?"
Pete looks the monster dead in the eye. "You really, truly have a machine that can do this?"
"You have my word."
"Okay."
* * *
And with that, Pete wakes up. Looking around the darkened Meadows, he assures himself that it was all a dream.
He stretches, yawns, prepares to go back to sleep.
He feels a sharp pain in his back.
He looks.
There's a bitemark.
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday 6 January 2011
Cliffey Receives a Bomb in the Post
The Bomb is Cliffey's new MP3 (4,5,6) player, and it came today. He's been awaiting it eagerly, but he was saying earlier how funny it would be if they'd sent him an actual bomb.
Sarah and I have discovered the joy of watching films for free online, unless you work for the film industry in which case we haven't discovered anything and have just been buying a lot of DVDs recently. Last night we watched Spirited Away; the other day it was The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo; before that it was Taking Woodstock, which does not featrure anyone who looks remotely like me.
Soph's TV isn't in the living room anymore. We're hoping she's just taking it up to her room, because otherwise we've been burgled again.
I'll think of something substantial to write about eventually, honest.
Joel.
Sarah and I have discovered the joy of watching films for free online, unless you work for the film industry in which case we haven't discovered anything and have just been buying a lot of DVDs recently. Last night we watched Spirited Away; the other day it was The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo; before that it was Taking Woodstock, which does not featrure anyone who looks remotely like me.
Soph's TV isn't in the living room anymore. We're hoping she's just taking it up to her room, because otherwise we've been burgled again.
I'll think of something substantial to write about eventually, honest.
Joel.
Wednesday 5 January 2011
QWOP 'Til You Drop
ALL THE WOMEN WHO INDEPENDENT
There are five heterosexual men, all squashed into a Fiat.
ALL THE HONEYS WHO MAKIN' MONEY
One of them is wearing pyjamas, another has glorious pair of Bill Sykes muttonchops.
ALL THE MOMMAS WHO PROFIT DOLLAS
They are listening to Independent Women (Pt. 1) by Destiny's Child. They know a few too many of the words.
ALL THE LADIES WHO TRULY FEEL ME
These were the scenes when Tom, Josh and myself (for it was I in my jammies) went to pick Cliffey and JR up from The Black Griffin last night. It was the first time we've listened to Destiny's Child in Tom's car without being stopped by the police.
THROW YOUR HANDS UP AT ME!
And the night only got better when Josh introduced us to QWOP.
It's perhaps the most difficult - yet most addictive - game in history. Go ahead, try it out. I'll wait.
* * *
Whu-you came back? How? Well, uh, I don't remember who did the best. Suffice to say it wasn't me, I think it was Cliffey or maybe JR (he was The Ultimate Man of 2010, after all; muttonchops and dirty pints are apparently the way forward). Pete did pretty well too but he kind of cheated.
Joel.
There are five heterosexual men, all squashed into a Fiat.
ALL THE HONEYS WHO MAKIN' MONEY
One of them is wearing pyjamas, another has glorious pair of Bill Sykes muttonchops.
ALL THE MOMMAS WHO PROFIT DOLLAS
They are listening to Independent Women (Pt. 1) by Destiny's Child. They know a few too many of the words.
ALL THE LADIES WHO TRULY FEEL ME
These were the scenes when Tom, Josh and myself (for it was I in my jammies) went to pick Cliffey and JR up from The Black Griffin last night. It was the first time we've listened to Destiny's Child in Tom's car without being stopped by the police.
THROW YOUR HANDS UP AT ME!
And the night only got better when Josh introduced us to QWOP.
It's perhaps the most difficult - yet most addictive - game in history. Go ahead, try it out. I'll wait.
* * *
Whu-you came back? How? Well, uh, I don't remember who did the best. Suffice to say it wasn't me, I think it was Cliffey or maybe JR (he was The Ultimate Man of 2010, after all; muttonchops and dirty pints are apparently the way forward). Pete did pretty well too but he kind of cheated.
Joel.
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Sharments III
Some of you may have noticed that there were only, like, 4 updates over the Christmas period and, well, I'm not going to apologise because a) one of those four was huge and took several days to put together, and b) the me who comes up with this kinda-daily wit gets December off so I was on my own for the duration of the festive season.
But a month tends not to go by around here without something happening, so here's a quick run-down of everything that's been going on around here over the course of my unwritten hiatus.
But a month tends not to go by around here without something happening, so here's a quick run-down of everything that's been going on around here over the course of my unwritten hiatus.
THINGS I MISSED-MAS
- I dug out my book of Christmas carols for Bb instruments and went busking for the first time ever, and then I did it again. I made like £25 altogether, and given that I was only playing for about an hour at a time before deciding it was too cold and going home I think that's fairly impressive.
- I also played a couple of more organised gigs; one was at the Atrium, and was part of my course, and the other one was at CAI, and just for fun. The uni gig saw me dressed as a last-minute blind mouse (complete with 3D glasses and embarrassing white shorts) and playing my horn as part of a 7-piece ensemble. Our theme, as I believe I have noted on this blog several times, was songs from the Shrek movies, and we played them with so much fervour and aplomb and other words of which I'm not sure the meaning that the crowd went quite wild for it. The CAI gig was, in Cliffey's words "like being in the living room", except I had slightly more authority because I was on a stage.
- Obviously Christmas happened. I ate lots of turkey and chocolate, and so did you, hopefully.
- There was a bit of a boiler issue in the house - I was home for Christmas by the time it presented itself so it was left to Pete and Cliffey to sort it out - whereupon water from an icicle dripped down into the floo or something, I dunno. It's all good now I think. And I didn't get off totally scot free, either; a pipe burst in my parents' house and we had to get a plumber out on Christmas Eve, right in the middle of Cars on BBC1, to stop the water coming up through our floorboards.
- I got drunk again, possibly.
- There was hell of snow and it was pretty at first but then everyone decided that it was a damn nuisance that meant nobody could go anywhere. My socks were perpetually soaked and my trip to see my grandparents in Liverpool was called off just in case we weren't able to get back. It tried to snow again yesterday actually but everyone was like "Oh HELL no" so the whole thing was called off.
- The Co-Op and its myriad reduced items are awesome. Fab lollies for 10p folks. Let's give them a big hand.
- Um...everybody got lots of presents and generally had the best old time.
If anyone can think of anything I've missed out, well, it'll have to wait until next year.
Joel.
Saturday 1 January 2011
My Year In Lists
...And what better way to kick off the new year than with a series of lists analysing the previous one.
TOP 5 ALBUMS OF 2010
TOP 5 ALBUMS OF 2010
- Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
- Tindersticks - Falling Down A Mountain
- John Grant - Queen of Denmark
- Liars - Sisterworld
- Wayne Robbins & The Hellsayers - All You Need To Sleep
I got a few more for Christmas so this list is subject to change. The Suburbs is getting there but still not as good as any of these just yet.
TOP 5 SONGS OF 2010
- Four Score And Seven - Titus Andronicus
- Wo Bist Du Gewesen Vor Prohibition? - Klezmer Kollectiv
- Where Dreams Go To Die - John Grant
- Factory Girls - Tindersticks
- What's In It For? - Avi Buffalo
Honourable mention goes to Mondegreen by Yeasayer, Scarecrows On A Killer Slant by Liars, So Long Goodnight by the Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster, and I Just Had Sex by The Lonely Island.
TOP 5 SONGS THAT WEREN'T ACTUALLY RELEASED IN 2010 BUT I'VE BEEN ROCKING ANYWAY
- Here Comes A Special Boy - Freezepop
- Sometimes It Hurts - Tindersticks
- Do You Hear The People Sing? - Les Misérables
- The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot - Brand New
- Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen
I avoided the temptation to put Natasha Bedingfield's Pocketful of Sunshine in instead of The Boss.
TOP 5 GIGS
- Flaming Lips at Green Man
- Titus Andronicus in Bristol
- Klezmer Kollectiv at CAI
- Tindersticks at Green Man
- LCD Soundsystem & Hot Chip at the CIA
No, Arcade Fire, you may not be in any of my end-of-year lists. You are already in too many, and your live show was tainted my nasty men who somehow found time in between having a go at people for no good reason to know all of the words to the new songs and make me feel silly for not having listened to the new album enough. In fact, you don't even get to come 6th, because Yeasayer were better. Yes, I went there.
Basically my year was ruled by Titus Andronicus and Tindersticks.
Real blogging returns on Monday, if I can be bothered, maybe. Happy 2011 y'all.
Joel.
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