WKD RNT

Now I know that for a lot of you readers this blog entry represents a mere five-minute respite between two humongous slabs of revision. I may have pointed out that I'm pretty much on summer holidays now because exams don't really enter into the equation for me, but as a show of solidarity I've come into uni anyway. Admittedly I'm just here to kill time and fuck about, but I hope you appreciate the gesture regardless.

At any rate, before I boot up Cubase 5 to compose some beatz, I've a topic to discuss with you all. On my way here, I passed a bus shelter advert for the new purple WKD, and in large, white capitals it posed the question, "IT'S NEW. IT'S WKD. IT'S PURPLE. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?"

Well, I don't have much else to report today - my yesterday evening mostly consisted of losing at Tetris - so I'm going to answer that question, thereby gunning the campaign down with my twin pistols of wit and exhaustive research.

IT'S NEW.

Is that always a good thing? Sure, new is exciting and shiny but behind that polished exterior lies disappointment and depression. Each new Pirates of the Caribbean film is worse than the last. Albums that come out nowadays are seldom as good as Attack of the Grey Lantern. And the best new chocolate bars to hit the shelves tend to be the ones that were already discontinued once and have been resurrected by tireless Facebook campaigns (and if everyone could get behind this one, that would be lovely, ta).

I'm popping down the shop in a bit, would you prefer a Wispa or a Spots v Stripes bar?

Exactly. New is crap.

IT'S WKD.

Back in my teetotal days, when even asking me to hold your drink would be met with a look of distinct mistrust, I was often told that WKD and other alcopops were a good place to start, alcohol-wise. They don't taste that much of actual alcohol, and this, presumably coupled with the fact that it comes in a squishy bottle, means that a lot of teenage girls start here before wading into heavier stuff.

Eventually I was talked into trying a sip or two of WKD, and lo and behold, it tasted...not great.

So between a mediocre flavour and the fact that it has probably introduced thousands of wide-eyed teenagers to binge drinking, I'm sure we can find something to hold against it. Like the name: 'WKD Original Vodka'. Really? Because I'm reliably informed by Wikipedia that:

"According to the Gin and Vodka Association (GVA), the first documented production of vodka...was in Russia in the late 9th century."

Hm. Let's check the WKD article:

"The drink was first marketed in Scotland under the name 'Wicked' and was launched in August 1996."

9th Century Russia...Scotland, Summer of '96. You decide which is the 'original' vodka.

IT'S PURPLE.

It's back to Wikipedia to tell us the problem there:

"In parts of East Asian countries such as Japan, purple is known as the color of death."

 Now obviously that's a cultural thing that doesn't really apply in the UK, but you know what else purple is associated with? Royalty. And let's see what unbiased social commentators Republic have to say about royalty:

"The monarchy is damaging to those caught up in it, it is unaccountable and it acts as a drag on our democratic process."

Much like WKD.

WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

Several things, as I feel I have shown rather thoroughly by now. In bullet point form, then:

• It's not something we've seen before, and as there was no Facebook campaign for the purple WKD I think we can all agree that there's no demand for it whatsoever.
• It claims to be vodka when it clearly isn't.
• WKD is basically responsible for the corruption of Britain's youths.
• If past form is to be believed, it probably doesn't taste that nice.
• Japanese people will associate it with death (think of the decline in tourism!)
• It's a "drag on our democratic process".

Also, am I the only one who finds it odd that the WKD adverts tend to be aimed at men aged 20-30 who clearly ought to be watching the football with a pint? Because that's completely the wrong target audience for an alcopop, surely.

The weather's nicer today, isn't it?

Joel.